If I could write you a letter…

Days fly by and we hardly even notice at times, until there comes a day when things change, and that day becomes a marker in our history. It was as simple as a call, and just by hearing the phone ring, I knew that the day was going to change. This was going to be one of those moments.

You were gone.

Time stops in those moments, everything around you spaces away from you and you can hear your heartbeat. A whispered reminder from within that you’re still alive when the world comes to a halt. I was at work so I closed the door to my office to cry. I had to cry. If I didn’t release this from inside me, I was going to drown.

You can stop for a while, but time doesn’t stop and I still had a 24-hour business trip to Copenhagen to get through. I finished my work at the office and left early. I guess some people fall apart, some carry on, some cry, some laugh, but we all find a way to move on. I can be distracted, as long as there are things to do and I can keep my mind occupied.

You were the marker for the turning point in my life, to which I measured how far I’d come. Without you I will be but floating aimlessly.

I got to the airport with three hours to spare, my goal to keep occupied had put me into hyperdrive and now I had nowhere to run. Stuck in the terminal I sat there just staring into thin air and I remembered the time I ran into you at Schipol airport in Amsterdam. The world felt so small when I could accidentally bump into a friend in a strange city to us both, a friend who lives on the other side of the world from me.

And then it hit me, I’ll never bump into you again, accidentally or on purpose. You’ll never see me and spread your arms again, and I’ll never feel the embrace of my gentle giant again. You’re not here, you’re not there, you’re nowhere. And suddenly our small world felt so big, cause you were nowhere to be found in it, or maybe it’s not big enough, that there isn’t a place here for you.

How small the world is,
When we cross paths.
But looking out on life,
The terrain seems so vast.

Hos slowly life moves,
Watching time pass.
And still it’s been so long,
Days fly by so fast.

We always think of our loved ones passing and going to heaven. And moments after hearing that you passed, I found myself in the sky. I sat there trying to comfort myself with the thought that I was a little closer to you in that moment. 

In Copenhagen I hit the ground running, and I started roaming around the unfamiliar city.

I travel alone, maybe we all do, but starting now everything is unfamiliar, cause I don’t know the world without you.

I thought of all our memories until I could hear your laugh echo between the buildings. I thought of the first time I met you, and the last time I saw you, and all the moments in between until I could feel your embrace in the wind around me. The wind blew fiercely and I felt a cooperation with nature. I was both nestled and given blows by the remnants of a storm and it was providing cover for my tears.

You know when the wind gives you a blow
to the face and your eyes tear up,
I wonder how often people use that as a cover
to cry a few tears from the heart.

I see the others mourn, they cry, they grieve, they talk and connect with each other. I am numb and my tears are silent. I cannot speak up or say anything out loud. I am afraid to open my mouth. I am afraid to say the wrong things. I am afraid of not remembering. And that is how grief works. We all react differently. So here’s what I would say if I could and I hope that it is something you could bring with you wherever you go.

You are loved unconditionally for the being that you’ll always be, the soul that touched my soul. That can never die, and it can never grow old. That’s the thing I hope you’ll always know. Gratitude, respect, longing and love, my love. I will always be grateful and full of respect, I will long for moments with you the rest of my life, and I will love you and sing your praises for all of my time. Thank you for all the warmth, all the time you invested and all the advice, you helped shape that girl you met into the woman I am today. We all know that things come and go, but everything you ever gave me, both physically and spiritually has stood the test of time. I still have every item you’ve ever given me, I still remember every wise word you’ve said. And maybe that is my curse that I remember so vividly, and maybe that is my blessing cause I cherish the life we’ve led.

Someone told me you were still alive;
in the memories of the voices
speaking your name is where you hide.
So I’ll be the one whispering your name to the wind.
And when I need you,
I’ll search within.

img_1282Rest in peace my friend